he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
