I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
Randomize
