Umm I'm too high to move.
Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
Randomize
