Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Randomize
