my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
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