Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
He has the fingertips of a God
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