Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
