I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
Randomize
