After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
Best friends brother. Beat that.
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Well, at some point in her life every girl has to decide how much weird she's willing to tolerate for hot tall banker cock
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Randomize
