i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
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