How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
Naked Twister starts at high noon
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
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