I mean a good dj is a huge turn on
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
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