just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
Randomize
