I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
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