i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
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