is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
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