i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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