tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
