Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Randomize
