can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
coke and sex party at dan's
im watching greys anatomy with megan...
wha-pishhh
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
Blood and glitter go together right?
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
