it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
i've created a new STD.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
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