Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
