Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Randomize
