They should really pass out barf bags in church
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
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