yeah well you didnt even puke from the alcohol. we cut you off and went to huck finn's and told you that the "irish cream" coffee creamers had baileys in it, so you shot down like eight of them and puked all over the floor. it was great. we cheered you on and everything
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
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