I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
I just gargled with NyQuil
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
