At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Randomize
