he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
