you're like a bully in the Christmas story
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
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