did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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