I don't think you know how difficult it is to pee in poncho..
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
Randomize
