You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
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