I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
