She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
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