Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
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