I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
