Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize