I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
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