Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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