Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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