that john and kate plus 8 dude has ruined asians for me
i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
maybe i get so drunk and make stupid mistakes cuz Subconsiously im preparing for my real world debut
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
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