this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
tonight lets celebrate not being married
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize