He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
