My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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