Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize