why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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