I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Randomize
