He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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