drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Randomize