Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Randomize
