Tell her she can't have a vagina
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
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