why didn't you poke me back
I got everything I ever gave her back, every picture, and money for the dog. I didn't want it she brought it all back and gave it to me. clothes jackets, pictures, dried flowers, ear rings, necklace...
Sell it on ebay and let's go to the bar
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
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