I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
