I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
Randomize
