Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
Randomize
