Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Randomize
