I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
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