I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
at the bar. watching boys pee in urinals. when they come out we give them a thumbs up or a thumbs down. probbb shouldn't prop the bathroom door open with a bar stool....
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
Randomize
