You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
On a scale of 1-10 how seriously are we considering being sugar babies?
I'm about a 7.95
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
